I've had a few friends and adults ask about my dad a few times. Half the time they are really unaware he's been gone from my life since i was ten. The other half heard about it, and decided to take the initiative to ask further questions, despite being worried about what bringing up the subject might make me feel. I know, i've seen their faces.
They say Scorpios are the best type of people who can hide their emotions. Is that why, when they prompt me for details, the most i can mention is how and why my father passed away? Because when i think about it, its not that simple.
I remember when the doctors said that "we were going to bring your daddy back home". Why didnt i mention that I assumed they meant he would be brought home, to our house, and he would stay in his bed until one day, he would wake up from his coma, and we could be a happy family again? Because i certainly didn't know that home meant heaven.
What about when they actually pulled the plug? I remember all our family members gathered over at our house one day. They all knew something i didnt. They stood around my dad's bed in the living room, and i remember standing next to my brother. We had an inkling of what was about to happen, and we tried not to look. One of my aunts pushed us to the front, making us watch when they took the oxygen away.
Then there was the matter after that, where all the adults were consoling my mum and trying to console her. I remember being sent to the study room, where all the sofas were moved to so that there would be space for the hospital bed to fit in the living room. All my cousins were there. I remember my sister couldnt stop crying, but i was bouncing around. I had mixed emotions at the moment. I knew i should be feeling sad, but at the same time i felt excited because all my cousins were over at my house. That rarely happened. So i was happy to see all of them, but i also knew my emotions weren't the right ones.
I guess i only realized all of it after all the funeral matters were over and done with. When i went to sleep one night, and realized there was no one to hold my hand to sleep so i wouldnt be afraid of ghosts and vampires and werewolves. Then i started to cry.But it was too late to say goodbye, i guess. I remember 9 days before that, on November 9, i made him promise to get me an MP3 player, because we never had one before.
Theres one number i'll hold close to my heart, and that was this number i had a dream of. In the dream, my dad was trying to teach me maths. This one number popped up. My mum even used it for 4D and it worked.
Why can't i say all of this when people ask? Because i assume they don't want to hear so much, i guess. Because i know that it will be hard for people to talk about matters such as these. I remember writing a letter for my mum to burn on qing ming this year, but i kept it a secret all the way until it was burned to ashes. I wonder if he ever managed to receive that letter. I hope he did. Sometimes i'll think of him coming back from his golf game, then realize that he really won't ever be coming back from his golf game. =(
God you just made me cry a little.
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